The Refund by Fritza Karinthy (Abridged version)

The Refund by Fritza Karinthy

The Characters            

• The Principal 
• A servant
• Wasserkopf
• The Mathematics Master
• The History Master                                                                                                     
• The Geography Master                                                                                           

(The Principal is seated in his office in a high school. Enter a servant.)

THE SERVANT: Sir, there is a man outside. He introduces himself as ‘Wasserkopf and he wants to see you.

THE PRINCIPAL: Tell him to come here.

THE SERVANT: Yes, sir.

(He goes off. A carelessly dressed and bearded man enters. He is under forty and energetic)

WASSERKOPF: How do you do? (He remains standing)

THE PRINICPAL (rising): What can I do for you?

WASSERKOPF: I’m Wasserkopf. Don’t you remember me?

THE PRINCIPAL (shaking his head): No.

WASSERKOPF: Mr. Principal Sir, I was a student in this school eighteen years ago.

THE PRINICPAL: Oh well, what do you want now? A certificate?

WASSERKOPF (doubtfully): No, I’m bringing back my certificate you gave me and I don’t need another one?

THE PRINCIPAL: Well?

WASSERKOPF: As a former student of this school I want you to refund my all tuition fees.

THE PRINICPAL (incredulously): You want me to refund your tuition fees?

WASSERKOPF: Yes. If I were a rich man I’d tell you to keep them. But I’m not a rich man, and I need the money.

THE PRINCIPAL: I cannot understand what you say.

WASSERKOPF: I want my tuition fees back.

THE PRINICPAL: Why do you want it back?

WASSERKOPF: This certificate here says I got an education. But, I didn’t. I didn’t learn anything from the school and I want my money back.

THE PRINCIPAL: I don’t understand it at all! I’ve never heard of such a thing before. What an absurd idea!

WASSERKOPF: It is not an absurd idea. It’s a good idea. I didn’t get the idea from my own head. My old classmate Leaderer gave me the idea.

THE PRINICPAL: Gave it to you?

WASSERKOPF: Yes. I was walking along the street, wondering how I could get some cash. I met Leaderer. We discussed about somethings. Finally he told me ‘Wasserkopf, you don’t know anything. Go to the school and get your tuition fees back. So I came here as fast as I could.

THE PRINICPAL (rising): You – you are not really serious, are you?

WASSERKOPF: I am really serious. Treat me wrong here and I’ll go straight to the Ministry of Education and complain about you! You took my money and you taught me nothing… I can’t do anything.

THE PRINICIPAL: What makes you think you can’t do anything and you don’t know anything?

WASSERKOPF: Everybody thinks so. If I get a job I can’t keep it. Give me an examination. Then you will realize that I don’t know anything.

THE PRINICIPAL: What an unusual case! I shall have to consult the staff. I shall have to call a conference…  will you wait in the waiting room and give me a few minutes?

WASSERKOPF (rising): Yes, be quick.

THE PRINICIPAL (rings; the servant enters): Ask the staff to come here at once. A most extraordinary conference!

THE SERVANT: Yes, sir. (He goes out)

(The masters enter)

THE PRINCIPAL: Gentlemen, I have asked you to come here on account of a most unusual state of affairs. Sit down, gentlemen. A former pupil named Wasserkopf has come to see me. He brought up a question, which I’ve never encountered in my many years of experience.

THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: Tell us about it.

THE PRINICIPAL: He wants – he wants his tuition fees back.

THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: Why?

THE PRINCIPAL: He says he learned nothing. He says a re-examination will prove it. I’d like to know what you gentlemen think about a re-examination.

THE MATHEMATICS MASTER (chuckling): A re-examination? Gentlemen, we will lose nothing by re-examining Wasserkopf. If he fails he will prove he learned nothing and want tuition fee back. So, he must not fail. We will not make our questions too difficult – agreed, gentlemen? We will ask him questions. Whatever his answers, we agree beforehand that they are correct.

THE PHYSICS MASTER: Who will decide the correctness of answer?

THE MATHEMATICS TEACHER: I will handle it, if you permit me.

 THE PRINCIPAL: Isn’t there a chance of something going wrong?

THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: Leave it to us.

THE PRINCIPAL (to the servant who has reappeared): Call Wasserkopf.

(He enters. His hat is over one ear; he keeps his hands thrust into his pockets and stares insolently)

WASSERKOPF: Start exam! Let’s hear the questions. I need money.

THE PRINCIPAL: The examination will begin with History.

THE HISTORY MASTER (moving to the centre of the table) Wasserkopf, won’t you be seated?

WASSERKOPF : To hell with a seat! I’ll stand.

THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: Bravo! Excellent! He will not be seated; he will stand. It proves that his physical condition is splendid, and I take it upon myself to award him an ‘Excellent’ in physical culture.

THE PRINCIPAL: Quite Right. (He writes) ‘Physical Culture: Excellent’

THE STAFF: Agreed! Agreed!

WASSERKOPF: (He sit ) You caught me once. Well, you won’t do it again. From now I’ll have my ears open.

THE PRINCIPAL: ‘Alertness: Very Good’

THE HISTORY MASTER: ‘Perseverance: Unusual.’

THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: ‘Logic: Excellent.’

WASSERKOPF: Ask me other questions!

THE MATHEMATICS MASTER (to the Principal): ‘Ambition: Boundless. (The Principal nods and writes)

THE PRINCIPAL: Next, the examination in Geography.

(The Geography Master takes the place facing Wasserkopf)

THE GEOGRAPHY MASTER: Please tell me what city of the same name is the capital of the German province of Brunswick?

WASSERKOPF: What a dumb question! The answer’s part of the question.

THE GEOGRAPHY MASTER: what is it?

WASSERKOPF: ‘Same’ of course. That’s the answer. If the name of the city is same, then the name of the city is ‘Same.’ Right? If it isn’t I fail, and you refund my tuition fees.

THE GEOGRAPHY MASTER: The answer is correct. The name of the city is ‘Same.’ Gentlemen, the candidate shows exceptional knowledge of the history of the city Brunswick. There is a story about the sity, as the Emperor Barbarossa was riding in to the city, he met a young girl who was munching a bun, and whose mouth was full. He called out to her, ‘God bless you. What’s the name of this city?’ and the peasant girl answered ‘Same to you, sir.’ Then she stopped because her mouth was full, and the Emperor laughed and said, ‘Ho, ho! So the name of the city is “Same.”?’ And for many years, thereafter, he never referred to Brunswick, except by that title. (He turns at his colleagues.) The answer is excellent. The candidate is entitled to a grade of ‘Excellent’ in Geography.

THE PRINCIPAL (writing): ‘Geography: Excellent. Only the examination in mathematics is left. Should he pass that he will have passed the entire examination.

WASSERKOPF (nervously): I’m going to be more careful now. (The Mathematics Master takes his place facing Wasserkopf.)

THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: I’m going to ask you two questions. One of them is easy; the other is hard.

The easy question: If we represent the speed of light by x, and the distance of the star Sirius from the sun by y, what is the circumference of a one-hundred-and-nine-sided regular polyhedron whose surface coincides with that of the hip-pocket of a State railway employee whose wife has been deceiving him for two years and eleven months with a regimental sergeant-major of hussars?

WASSERKOPF: Of course I know it! Naturally I know it! I’ll tell you: two thousand six hundred and twenty nine litres. I’ve given you an answer which is too good!

THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: No. The answer is wrong. The correct answer is two thousand six hundred and twenty-eight litres, and not twenty nine. (He turns to The Principal) refuse to pass the candidate. Mark him ‘Failure.’

WASSERKOPF: My tuition fees! My tuition fees!

THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: In my opinion the candidate’s request is reasonable. How much do we owe you, Herr Wasserkopf?

WASSERKOPF (greedily, forgetting everything else): I’ll tell you exactly. I attended this school for six years in all. During the first three years the fee was 150 crowns quarterly. Total for three years 1, 800. During the second three years the fee was 400 crowns semi-annually. Total: 2, 400 and 1, 800 is 4, 200. Examination fees, 250 crowns 95 heller. Certificates, documents, books, stamp taxes, 1, 241 crowns 43 heller. Total: 5, 682 crowns 38 heller. Incidentals, stationery, notebooks, 786 crowns 12 heller. Grand total: 6, 450 crowns 50 heller. Knock of the heller and call it crowns.

THE MATHEMATIC MASTER (checking with his paper and pencil as Wasserkopf calls out the amount): Exactly! It’s right to the smallest detail. (He offers Wasserkopf his hand) I congratulate you! That was my difficult question!

WASSERKOPF (not understanding) : What?

THE MATHEMATICS MASTER (to the Principal): I certify that the candidate passes in Mathematics. His answer to the easy question was wrong; but his answer to the difficult question – how much the refund should be – was exactly correct. Herr Wasserkopf is a mathematical genius.

THE PRINCIPAL (rising): I present the results of the examination. Wasserkopf has passed with distinction in every subject. Wasserkopf, we offer our congratulations – now that we have verified your knowledge and your abilities –get out before I have you thrown out!

(He rings for the servant.)

THE SERVANT (entering): Yes, sir?

THE PRINCIPAL (indicating Wasserkopf): Remove that object! (The servant seizes Wasserkopf by the collar and the seat of his trousers and rushes him off. The Principal turns to the staff and beams.) Thank you, gentlemen, for your magnificent co-operation. In the future it will be our proudest boast that in this school a pupil simply cannot fail!

(They shake hands and slap each other’s back)

End............